I have a Confession

I have a confession. And with this confession I will feel raw and vulnerable and it hurts and I hate it but I’m realizing that the only way I am going to grow.

I am scared.

And what I am scared of is being forgotten.

Of those moments of only us two. Of me and him. Of those memories only he and I know. Of those moments that were so close and intimate and ours alone that I don’t even remember whose memories they are anymore. They blend from mine to his to ours but when ours doesn’t exist anymore it is hard to place them and honestly to even feel them anymore sometimes because sometimes I can’t remember if I even felt them to begin with or if it was me feeling them through him.

So I am scared.

Of being forgotten.

But I have another confession.

I am also scared to forget.

My feelings, my memories. My love.

It already is gone, and not the same. It is already this strange foreign thing displaced out in the world.

The wound that was once so fresh and painful is healed, and I just keep picking at the wound, at the scab for something to mourn, so it won’t heal over completely because if it keep picking at the scab then maybe the scab will turn into a scar right? Because I need something to feel and I just need to fall back on to what I am used to feeling and I should just fall back onto my sad feelings of hurt and longing and whatever this fucked up mess of I don’t even know what it is. It’s a big jumbled mess of alphabet soup where there are a bunch of letters where if you tried hard you could probably spell something, but I don’t even try, I just dive in and deal with a whole lot of kfjikui’s and dfusdfgiouoq’s when I should be using real words.

I’m scared is all I know.

That I don’t know if it is me that is going to be forgotten or if I am going to forget.

But whatever happens, happens.

And everything happens for a reason.

And it is time to face my fears, for once in my life.  

...

"It was all very well to say `Drink me,' but the wise little Alice was not going to do that in a hurry. `No, I'll look first,' she said, `and see whether it's marked "poison" or not'; for she had read several nice little histories about children who had got burnt, and eaten up by wild beasts and other unpleasant things, all because they would not remember the simple rules their friends had taught them: such as, that a red-hot poker will burn you if you hold it too long; and that if you cut your finger very deeply with a knife, it usually bleeds; and she had never forgotten that, if you drink much from a bottle marked `poison,' it is almost certain to disagree with you, sooner or later.

However, this bottle was not marked `poison,' so Alice ventured to taste it, and finding it very nice, (it had, in fact, a sort of mixed flavour of cherry-tart, custard, pine-apple, roast turkey, toffee, and hot buttered toast,) she very soon finished it off."

...I hope you dance.

I think, sometimes, when a heart is healing you get pains in the same place it originally broke. And maybe, that's why it can take so long to heal, cause you fight it, because come on we aren't stupid... if something hurts us, we don't do it again. If we touch fire we know it burns. We DON'T touch it again! So this is basically forcing your mind to go back and touch fire. To say... I know it is gonna burn and sting and be horrible but DO IT!!! ... who would want to go back and do that? No one. But maybe we have to. Maybe that's the point. It isn't easy. It IS easy though, to fall in love. (and it is annoying. And inconvenient) That is why it is called falling. You just FALL into it. You don't have a choice... But the healing. That is where you have to make a choice. I am thinking. I am learning. You don't really choose when love is over either. It just happens. Sometimes it just doesn't work. Sucks. Because sometimes it is over for one before the other. Sometimes this, sometimes that, blah blah. Love is losing game. Love sucks. (But it is also awesome and wonderful and the best thing ever.) And that's life. It happens. So, then... it's over... and your poor little heart gets battered and beaten and you deal with it. And then you are okay, right? WRONG. Because it is weird things that pop up that prove the healing is not done. But what do you do??? This is when you man up and you have to deal with it. LET IT HEAL. LET IT HURT. TOUCH THE FIRE EVEN THOUGH IT BURNS. Because once it burns you AGAIN, in the same spot, well then whalla! a nice little scar will form and cover up that festering cut that was there. And then... healed! Finally. And I think this is the only way. But you gotta force it. You can't just sweep it under the rug and ignore it when things pop up. If the emotions come at you, don't ignore them. Grab them by the horns and ride like there is no tomorrow. Because the bull may not come back tomorrow. And then it is just gonna fester.

And this applies to this topic, but more importantly to life: Don't miss an opportunity.

I'm a poet, did you know it? (or at least I pretend I am) ... :-)

Happy

I’m sorry

(but really, I’m not)

Because

I’m utterly addicted

To your laugh

And how it distracts me

In the just the right way

I can hear it vibrate in your throat

As if it lives inside your Adam’s apple

Right in the round perfect center of your neck

Holding tight until that moment

When your lips come up to smile

To free the baritone wonder

And when your lips part then comes

The sweet release of the decadent hum

And it sounds nothing less than the very definition

Of happy

This one's for the girls

I was just watching Sweeney Todd. and I was seeing it from new perspectives. New angles. Maybe the "right" ones for once.

One thing I realize I am doing consciously this year (and have been doing since about October of last year (ahhh isn't that nice to say... 2010 is LAST YEAR!.. sorry back on track) is actually listening to lyrics on a more ... i don't know how to say it.. intense level? maybe? I just know I am paying attention more. To song lyrics. To my surroundings. I am taking longer to read books so I actually soak in the words. I close my eyes when I am outside and soak in the sun or the moon or the wind or the rain or whatever is out there. But I soak it in.

So, I paid attention to one of my favorite songs from Sweeney Todd. "My Friends." And, instead of being the girl who swoons over Johnny Depp and his lovely singing voice... I for some reason couldn't keep my eyes off Helena Bohnam Carter. And I knew why. I was waiting for her to say "silver's good enough for me..." And i was watching her swoon over him. And I was watching him reject her. And I was thinking... wow! This was me. This was who I used to be. Swooning over the guy who I knew didn't want me. But putting myself out there anyway as this stupid little ragdoll saying "oh love me, love me.. love me... I don't care if it isn't your first priority, just love me when you have the time and energy.. ok??"

Well screw that.

Here is the clip:

And if you haven't seen the movie, (you really should it is wonderful, I hope to see a play version of it one day) I do not want to give away huge spoilers, but watch what happens when you let silver be good enough for you.

So, my point here is:
Never let silver be good enough for you. Never play second fiddle. Never settle for second best. And all those other cliches. I've said it before, cliches exists because they EXIST!

Play the lead in your own movie because you are the lead. And if Prince Charming doesn't come along, then screw it, run the castle on your own. But never settle for Prince Sweet-to-me-when-convenient-for-his-dumb-ass because you don't want to be alone. You will be happier. Guaranteed.

(because you will come to find, when you treat yourself like you deserve the best, you will get the best. And baby, you deserve the best. I deserve the best. We deserve the best! And the best means, mutual trust, honesty, respect, and love. And it will all flow from there. And then... whalla.. Happily Ever After....!) (yes I do believe it exists.)

*and this blog applies to men too. I know I titled this blog "This one's for the girls" but you can insert "boys" for "girls"; "Princess" for "Prince" etc. ;-)

Here we are.

Isn't is strange how words find you sometimes?