I'm quietly judging you.

I want to be a better person in the New Year. I want to not feel numb.

If you sweep things under the rug, pretend they don't exist, you are going to eventually trip on a giant ass rug right in front of your face. And you probably walk on this rug everyday, so you know, you know what is under it. But you just happily pretend nothing is under it. You put it there, you know it is there.

But maybe It isn't that I feel numb, I think it is more a feeling of helplessness.

Who raises who? Who is the adult? Who is the one who should care more? And how much is too much to care? How many times can you extend your hand when there is no one to extend their hand on the other hand because they are too busy wiping their own tears on the other end? We all get sad, we all have tears. But you know what? Sometimes you gotta suck it up. Reach your hand out to those extending theirs and you can do it with tears in your eyes and a scream escaping your lips!!! But give too. And hang on. And don't let go. And pay attention. Some of the hands outstretching themselves to you are eventually going to give up, stop reaching out, and who knows if they will be there when you decide to finally reach out your own hands. And they may be important. You know what? I rephrase. I guarantee they are important. But sometimes you can only give so much before you get so exhausted you don't what the point is. 

We sure are cute for two ugly people

When I first got Chloe, one of my two cats, I hated her. I rejected her. She wasn't warm or nice or loving like my other cat Weasley. Her name wasn't even Chloe, her name was Arnold. She was tiny. Sister to Weasley, and knowing the other 2 sisters from the litter, she was the runt. She was also just not a spoiled cat like Weasley. Her coat wasn't soft and groomed like his, her little tummy was so little it was non-existent, while Weasley's was always plump and welcoming. He was well taken care of by me. She didn't seem to be. So I formed an opinion and stuck to it. I didn't care. Her fur was coarse and harsh. I didn't like her for this. She had a mean demeanor. She hissed at me. She scratched me. She clawed me in the face, I actually had a scab form right under my nose and on my lip where she dug in so deep it made me bleed.

I took her in and let her stay, but for 3 days straight I was devising a back up plan to get her out. I asked co-workers if they wanted a cat, I asked if they knew someone. I thought about contacting the woman who had "Arnold" before and telling her it was a trial run that didn't work. She wasn't a fat sweet little fluffy kitten. She kind of looked like a little rat. Like the movie The Witches, when the women all drink their tea and are turning into little rats, she looked like them, but mid transition. Maybe I over exaggerate. But she wasn't loving. She didn't like me. But I think maybe I didn't like her because she was new. I was comfortable with Weasley. We were a team. Me & my boy. We didn't have room for this new thing I didn't know how to deal with. This new "thing" didn't fit in right away so I didn't want it. She was different and different broke my mold of complacency so back off different I am afraid of change.

So. I came home from work on the 4th day. And I saw Weasley and Chloe weren't in the living room. I went to my bedroom. And they were in my bed. Cuddling. She was actually giving him a cat bath. I just stood there and stared at them for a while. I had been worried, terrified Chloe Arnold the demon cat from under the vending machine from Hell was going to turn my golden child Weez into a brat that hated me, when, like the tree from Charlie Brown Christmas, it seemed all Chloe needed was a little love. Weasley was Linus! Makes sense, I named him after a sweet sidekick who saves the day, so, his Christmas alter ego is the same thing.

Now, almost every night, I get woken up by a kitten face forcefully rubbing on my cheeks and nose, requesting to get under the covers with me. My little Chloe is almost too sweet. My golden child Weasley? He likes to lay on my butt or down by my feet. But Chloe likes to cuddle hardcore. I have said that she is so loving, that if a villain had a rope ready to tie her to a train track she would gladly put on the damsel in distress dress and blonde wig and let him tie her down if the villain was going to pet her and love her. He would be twisting his dastardly moustache with one hand, petting Chloe with the other, as the train approached, she would be tied down to the tracks, purring and smiling with happy Anime kitty eyes.


This morning I woke up and I felt something soft curling onto my ankle, and I looked down and a sweet purring lump of cat was using my foot as a pillow. And it was Chloe (of course. Sometimes Weasley wakes me up the morning, but he will just be laying right next to my face staring at me. Like a creeper.) She is far from the melting witch of a woman turning into a rat I saw her as when I first took her in. I reached down, pet her and gave her love back and what did she do, but latched on, and bit me a little. So she isn't all sweet, she does have some attitude. (Maybe she would drop kick the moustached villain? Or bite and claw her way out of the ropes after she got her pets in?) But as soon as she got her nibble in she came up and cuddled with me, full on loud purr. I understand her. I gave her a chance and she has been worth it. And even though she bites me sometimes, she comes and crawls in my lap when I least expect it and gives me sweet kitten love (but it is at the moments I need it most.) And boy, does this special kitty make me laugh.

Bazinga

A blog is not the same as a journal because I self edit. I am free writing right now, I promise, but I am not as free as when I write pen in paper. See, free writing, pen in paper is not correct wordage. Pen on paper. I could fix it, but I am gonna leave it to prove my promise to the vast amounts of people who read this who I want to establish a genuine relationship of trust with.

I think in finding ourselves sometimes we have to lose ourselves. That has got to be some horrible cheesy cliche quote somewhere. Only when yourself is lost then find yourself you have. Less than three, Yoda.

I use self depricating humour to avoid letting people in.

I avoid one thought for too long so no one can get in either.

I avoid letting people in and I use them. (or I pretend to. I pretend to be in control, I think I really am the one being used.)

BAZINGA!... Bazinga.

Happy almost new year, let's try again 2012.

Christmas makes me feel like I live in a world on repeat. It happens again. Thanks for the Christmas card, Violet. Don't you know sarcasm when you hear it? I didn't watch Charlie Brown Christmas, but I have seen it so many times, I can just close my eyes and see Snoopy stick his tongue out and hear him go WAAAH. He really does make a great Penguin. My cats haven't seen it though, so I can watch it for their sake. I feel like sometimes I do things for other people's sake too much at this time of the year. I haven't mailed out my Christmas cards yet. I haven't even written in most of them. I want to, I just don't want to be that person who writes "Merry Christmas, from Rachel." I have wonderful beautiful heartfelt things to say to all of the people I want to send them to, I just keep purposefully distracting myself from Santa Claus. Everyone is getting cards after Christmas. I am sorry. And, I know what I want to make everyone for presents, I just want to sing karaoke and play video games instead. Because I am sleepwalking. I am mostly inspired, and I see glimpses of something that could inspire me greatly, but who knows, huh.

Today, I am going to talk about Twilight. YUP. (well kind of.)

So, Iron & Wine redid "Flightless Bird, American Mouth" for the wedding scene in Breaking Dawn. Yeah they get married, everyone has seen the trailer, so you know they get married, and the books came out forever ago, so I don't care if I've spoiled you. No one reading my blog is gonna cry about learning Twilight info anyway, so, really chances of being spoiled here? not likely. If you read the Title and saw Twilight and are still reading? I applaud you. So, let me also tell you they have their honeymoon in space and turns out Bella is actually an alien and she never needs to be turned into a vampire because she is a rare strain of Alien that ages only to 18 and then lives forever and then grows sparkly skin too.

Hopefully you turn into a 17 year old idiotic girl like I do when reading (watching? you should read.) them. So, I have no shame, I loved the Twilight Saga, it was awesome and dramatic and it was what every 17 year girl wanted, 2 boys fighting over her claiming eternal love. We were all brainwashed since birth by Disney movies to want Prince Charming, and Edward and Jacob are both charming in a sense. (read the books, btw they are better.) And come on, she never had to do homework, she just had to focus on boys! no homework, ftw! 

But that is not my point. I am bringing up the song. So, when the producers or whoever decided to have them dance to this song at Prom, this now became a love song for tweens and Twihards everywhere. But, in my opinion, which I can express freely, cause this is my blog (yay!) is that this is NOT a love song. Listen to the lyrics. It is sad song. Anything but lovely. If a boy dedicated this to me, I would be like. Wow, either you love Twilight or you don't like me, LIKE THAT.

And now they are walking down the isle to it?

Don't be Bella. Don't walk down the isle with a smooth talking vampire who sparkles if he picks this song as your wedding song.

Details people, details.

I'm still going to the midnight showing of Breaking Dawn Part 1 on Thursday. And I will have popcorn. And I will be like AAEHEHEHEHAAAAHHHHHH HAHAHAaaa wooo! >.<

"keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars."

You ever get in that hypnotic state of driving, where everything around you ceases to exist because it is the same roads you drive everyday, the same path you know. The cars around you become blurs of red, white, silver, blue, black... Blobs of nothing in your peripheral vision as you coast down the freeway, the side roads, the stop signs. Your legs and arms creating the natural motions like a puppet.
And then a song comes on the radio and wakes you up. And you stare at the radio, the clock, the digits, as if a picture is coming out at you, as if you were staring into someone's eyes. It is as if the gods of radio set their satellite to you and it is a special dedication. It is Casey Kasem and he is speaking right to you. You are in your own movie, this is happening, live it. Be narcissistic for this time, it is ok. You are allowed. Sometimes it is allowed to be all about you. So Casey is saying to you, "this one goes out special to you, kid... From me."
And for those 2-6 minutes you remember. To listen.
Songs are being dedicated to you all the time, kid. Don't be numb and fail to hear them.

Shake it out

If you asked me where I was going to be at 28 years old when I was younger. I would have never said here.
If you had flashed a vision of this life I am living to a 4th grade me, I would have not said it was me.

From the vision of a 4th grader who listened to New Kids on the Block, yeah maybe this isn't wonderful because I'm not married to Uncle Jesse from Full House and raising our beautiful children with lovely hair and singing in Kokomo with the Beach Boys.

But from the vision of an older than 4th grader, who is successful, motivated, independent, happy, and on my own two feet, I just wanted to say, yeah I'm awesome. Maybe sometimes I fall behind in realizing this but it is only when the little things that don't matter get to me.

But I know it. So fuck yeah.

P.S. I forgot Uncle Jesse was so dreamy. Our children would have been little blue eyed hipsters with mullets. I think I have changed my mind and I am going after my fourth grade ideals, and I am going to try to marry John Stamos.

And he will rock this hair at our wedding.

I will never lose my dreams, people.

"And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back, So shake him off."

I haven't felt the way I feel today In so long it's hard for me to specify.

I want to feel ready, but I don't know if I will ever be ready. Because I feel so lost, almost always. Usually. I feel overly exposed today. And everyday really, that I am being honest and interacting with people on a genuine level. And that is why I avoid it. I'm working on it though. It is easier to write to a blog. Because no one can directly respond.



So, in my state of over exposing myself, let me tell you, blog, that I feel like saying, "Oops I did it again." And I want to ask the almighty Wizard of Oz if I will ever be offered a fresh start without screwing it up. It is really funny (but not really at all. I am not laughing.) how I can be so successful in some aspects and then when things get anywhere near somewhere that may be leading down the yellow brick road towards good I have a tendency to reach in and press this button inside me. You know that Staples button that says "Easy"? I have one inside me that says "Self Sabotage." And I have grown accustomed to pressing it to get out of any and every situation. Luckily I have some amazing people in my life who pick up the tired broken pieces of me after I blown myself up (yes, the button makes me explode. Combust. Like the Incubus song. Fried from right above my knees.) and they put me together and fight for me without me asking them to.


I can blame it on tons of things. I know in the depths of my veins a history lingers from all this crap and I want to bleed out to get it out and just be free of it. But I realize history is what makes us us. Without the past the present wouldn't be here and we wouldn't have anything to base the steps to the future on.

I just know I am not complete. And that makes me feel so unsatisfied.
And I am so tired and all I can think is I know I need to write again. And I feel like writing again. And I don't care about hiding my writing anymore. I was in this state of hermit-ness where I didn't want to share any art in any form.
So I may not be complete, but at least I can say, maybe step 1 is.

And maybe one day we'll understand

Dogs bark. It is in their nature, and you understand the nature of dogs. They can’t help it, and you don’t take it personally.

Cats scratch. It is in their nature, and you understand the nature of cats. They can’t help it, and you don’t take it personally.

Snakes bite. It is in their nature, and you understand the nature of snakes. They can’t help it, and you don’t take it personally.

Bears attack. It is in their nature, and you understand the nature of bears. They can’t help it, and you don’t take it personally.

People are animals at their core. People bark. People Scratch. People bite. People attack. It is in their nature. They can’t help it, but you often take it personally.

Hi blog

I am still writing. Just not posting. But I will.
I am just dealing with life, living, loving, and learning.
Listen to some Alanis in the mean time, me. (cause no one read this anymore anyway. hehe) <3

I have cute shoes.

The greatest thing ever, is when you can honestly say you are better. And you aren't lying. Cause you are alone. And there is no one to tell it to but yourself. Corrinne Bailey Rae has a beautiful voice. She really does. And I am so glad I can listen to this song and hear that sweet voice crooning at me and enjoy it.

This song used to KILL me! I used to listen to it and cry like a baby. Because, come on, REALLY listen to it, the lyrics are killer. It is a great song. And if you are heartbroken and sad and missing someone deep down in your soul it is gonna tug on your heartstrings and make you sad. But I can hear it now and my eyes don't water up and my heart doesn't go thud thud *cry* thud thud *crawl in a corner hold myself and rock back and forth*

Every time I would purposely listen to these songs that used to make me so sad, I realize I was holding on to something that didn't even exist because it was something that I had idealized and created in my mind. And once I let go of all of that, I was able to let go of the pain. And in doing this I realized the pain and heartbreak and all the other crap, it didn't even exist as much as I thought it did. I was just scared mostly, of the unknown. Of moving on to something new, because something new is me jumping into the world alone and standing on my own two feet, but hey, I have some cute shoes, so at least when I am standing there on my own two feet I will look good, right? So, I can do it. And I am not really alone at all. I actually have way more love in my life now than I ever did when I was "in love." Perspective is a powerful thing.

P.S. Here are my cute shoes.. haha :-)

Happy (Valentine's) Day, rescheduled.

So, today is one year exactly since my ex-boyfriend and I broke up. We were out on our Valentine's Day dinner, because we didn't want to go out on Valentine's Day/ Night to avoid the crowds so we did it the next night. It is not like we did anything spectacular either. We had L & L Hawaiian BBQ... and thinking that we had L & L makes me LOL... ;-) So. It was dramatic and sad and a little to much to handle, (I mean, we watched a sunset... seriously, right? the sun set in the sky and then the sun literally set on our relationship! hahahahaha! man.) and I was so sad about it and dreading today, up til about a few weeks ago. But I still wasn't sure how today would be.

But guess what?? ... I actually didn't think about him til just a second ago. I was eating a chicken nugget thing, more of a chicken tender really. Breaded chicken thing from the oven, and so it has a breaded coating that got on my fingers, and so I unconciously wiped my fingers off. And I wiped them... on my shoulder.

Yes, I am crazy, and if you watch me eat, I wipe off my hands on my shoulders. Like a freakin' weirdo. And I NEVER realized I did this til he who shall not be named (yes I dated Lord Voldemort.. and SPOILER ALERT... I rebounded with Snape. But I am really in love with Ron Weasley. Anyway, I don't know where that came from. hahahaha.)  But what was I saying? Oh, yes, Lord Voldey he pointed out one day that I had some random food stuffs on my shoulder when we were in the apartment. And I was like... what? No I don't! But yeah, of course I did. And then he paid attention and he laughed at me one day when he saw that I wiped my fingers on my shoulders.

So. I don't know what the point of this is. But it made me laugh. And I think that is the point. That I thought I would be hiding and crying today over Lord Voldemort residue (I wonder what he will think of this new nickname BTW? HA!) but I am instead laughing over chicken nugget residue.

p.s. Here is a picture of Ron Weasley in his ice cream truck for good measure. Because I love him. <3

right?

"And there were so many fewer questions when stars were still just the holes to heaven."

Good luck exploring the infinite abyss

Positive begets positive and I am being surrounded by positive when I give it off and I need to remember that.

I need to remember the other day when I made a small effort that changed the course of potentially everything just by saying two words. I say "Hey" and a name. And then all the circumstances changed. The whole day changed. And like a domino effect things have been put into play and who knows where it is going. But you know I am not worried about it. I am just going with it.

And so, whoever is reading my blog? Thanks. Thank you. And Hey. I hope you have a great day. And do me a favor. Please go out and say thank you to someone. Find someone who you know that you haven't said thank you to in a while and tell them thank you. And what are you thanking them for? For being them. Tell them you appreciate them. For being them. Say "I appreciate you." And I wish I could have this conversation with you in person, whoever you are reading this to tell you I appreciate you if I haven't already, because I guarantee you I do. If you are in my life, you are there for a reason.


All I know is I am living, loving and learning. And enjoying every second as i live it. So I am going to do what life/the universe, etc. has been telling me to do for months now, and embrace it, be like the fool. accept that I am the fool, and I may be Sam, but I am also Largeman. I am both. I am growing. and changing. And is not only okay, it is wonderful. And I am going to go with it and take the step off the edge of the cliff and have fun exploring the infinite abyss.

The force is strong with this one

My best friend told me the other day that everything in your life is a symbol. And this just stuck with me. He went off on how I was a symbol and this other guy in his life was a symbol and his car was a symbol and everything, EVERYTHING is a symbol. And symbols can be new or they  have a tendency of reoccurring in your life until they serve their purpose.

But what if you don’t know the purpose of a symbol in your life?

It can cause headaches and heartaches and all kind of aches from overthinking.

So, I also have another friend who told me this thing at work and he was talking about computers and this program I am working with. He said I shouldn’t think of the end result, that I need to just put the pieces together as they fit and the end result will work itself out.

And it was the greatest thing I had heard in a long time.

This other friend, he is a new symbol in my life. He, or anything like him hasn’t occurred in my life before. But he isn’t a confusing symbol. He is clear and realistic (as he so often says) and I know what he is in my life for. And my best friend? He is a new symbol too. And I know what he is in my life for too. And they are both important symbols, and I know this because I have a force that draws me to them on some level.

So now. The thing that throws me off is, the symbols that are unclear. Particularly one. And I am still trying to determine if it is new or reoccurring. But I know I have a force with this symbol. And the force is strong with this one. But instead of letting it cause headaches and heartaches and all kinds of aches I am going to go with two strong symbols in my life and listen to them both. And basically go with the flow. And let the end result work itself out. If I just put the pieces together as they fit and as they come, them the end result will work itself out. Right?

Here’s hoping.   

This is a poem, not a blog. :-)

Sucker Punch

Your walls are up

And it throws me off

Way off

I get guarded and don’t know what to do

Signals are mixed and I’m confused and I’m lost

But I’m happy

(I think I’m happy at least)

And isn’t that what matters?

Because it’s always me with the walls

Up

But with you they go down

And you see that

You saw that

And you came right in

Or at least I thought you did

But maybe it is because you only came in for such a quick minute

But as soon as I said you could get comfortable

Have a seat, maybe take off your shoes

Relax and take a load off

That’s when you ran back outside

You ran from me

And now I don’t know what to do with that

Because I’m the one who runs

I’m the one who- when presented with

Fight

Or

Flight

Chooses flight

And I have really learned to find my wings lately

Because I used to choose fight

But I guess I just got knocked out

One too many times for comfort

But look at me now

What was I doing?

What was I thinking?

Fight

Not

Flight

But I was happy

(I thought I was happy at least)

Maybe I just needed to remember how it felt

To choose fight

And one day I will learn

What it means

Not only to just choose fight

But how to actually put up my fists

And not just stand there

For one more sucker punch

I have a Confession

I have a confession. And with this confession I will feel raw and vulnerable and it hurts and I hate it but I’m realizing that the only way I am going to grow.

I am scared.

And what I am scared of is being forgotten.

Of those moments of only us two. Of me and him. Of those memories only he and I know. Of those moments that were so close and intimate and ours alone that I don’t even remember whose memories they are anymore. They blend from mine to his to ours but when ours doesn’t exist anymore it is hard to place them and honestly to even feel them anymore sometimes because sometimes I can’t remember if I even felt them to begin with or if it was me feeling them through him.

So I am scared.

Of being forgotten.

But I have another confession.

I am also scared to forget.

My feelings, my memories. My love.

It already is gone, and not the same. It is already this strange foreign thing displaced out in the world.

The wound that was once so fresh and painful is healed, and I just keep picking at the wound, at the scab for something to mourn, so it won’t heal over completely because if it keep picking at the scab then maybe the scab will turn into a scar right? Because I need something to feel and I just need to fall back on to what I am used to feeling and I should just fall back onto my sad feelings of hurt and longing and whatever this fucked up mess of I don’t even know what it is. It’s a big jumbled mess of alphabet soup where there are a bunch of letters where if you tried hard you could probably spell something, but I don’t even try, I just dive in and deal with a whole lot of kfjikui’s and dfusdfgiouoq’s when I should be using real words.

I’m scared is all I know.

That I don’t know if it is me that is going to be forgotten or if I am going to forget.

But whatever happens, happens.

And everything happens for a reason.

And it is time to face my fears, for once in my life.  

...

"It was all very well to say `Drink me,' but the wise little Alice was not going to do that in a hurry. `No, I'll look first,' she said, `and see whether it's marked "poison" or not'; for she had read several nice little histories about children who had got burnt, and eaten up by wild beasts and other unpleasant things, all because they would not remember the simple rules their friends had taught them: such as, that a red-hot poker will burn you if you hold it too long; and that if you cut your finger very deeply with a knife, it usually bleeds; and she had never forgotten that, if you drink much from a bottle marked `poison,' it is almost certain to disagree with you, sooner or later.

However, this bottle was not marked `poison,' so Alice ventured to taste it, and finding it very nice, (it had, in fact, a sort of mixed flavour of cherry-tart, custard, pine-apple, roast turkey, toffee, and hot buttered toast,) she very soon finished it off."

...I hope you dance.

I think, sometimes, when a heart is healing you get pains in the same place it originally broke. And maybe, that's why it can take so long to heal, cause you fight it, because come on we aren't stupid... if something hurts us, we don't do it again. If we touch fire we know it burns. We DON'T touch it again! So this is basically forcing your mind to go back and touch fire. To say... I know it is gonna burn and sting and be horrible but DO IT!!! ... who would want to go back and do that? No one. But maybe we have to. Maybe that's the point. It isn't easy. It IS easy though, to fall in love. (and it is annoying. And inconvenient) That is why it is called falling. You just FALL into it. You don't have a choice... But the healing. That is where you have to make a choice. I am thinking. I am learning. You don't really choose when love is over either. It just happens. Sometimes it just doesn't work. Sucks. Because sometimes it is over for one before the other. Sometimes this, sometimes that, blah blah. Love is losing game. Love sucks. (But it is also awesome and wonderful and the best thing ever.) And that's life. It happens. So, then... it's over... and your poor little heart gets battered and beaten and you deal with it. And then you are okay, right? WRONG. Because it is weird things that pop up that prove the healing is not done. But what do you do??? This is when you man up and you have to deal with it. LET IT HEAL. LET IT HURT. TOUCH THE FIRE EVEN THOUGH IT BURNS. Because once it burns you AGAIN, in the same spot, well then whalla! a nice little scar will form and cover up that festering cut that was there. And then... healed! Finally. And I think this is the only way. But you gotta force it. You can't just sweep it under the rug and ignore it when things pop up. If the emotions come at you, don't ignore them. Grab them by the horns and ride like there is no tomorrow. Because the bull may not come back tomorrow. And then it is just gonna fester.

And this applies to this topic, but more importantly to life: Don't miss an opportunity.

I'm a poet, did you know it? (or at least I pretend I am) ... :-)

Happy

I’m sorry

(but really, I’m not)

Because

I’m utterly addicted

To your laugh

And how it distracts me

In the just the right way

I can hear it vibrate in your throat

As if it lives inside your Adam’s apple

Right in the round perfect center of your neck

Holding tight until that moment

When your lips come up to smile

To free the baritone wonder

And when your lips part then comes

The sweet release of the decadent hum

And it sounds nothing less than the very definition

Of happy