Today, I am going to talk about Twilight. YUP. (well kind of.)

So, Iron & Wine redid "Flightless Bird, American Mouth" for the wedding scene in Breaking Dawn. Yeah they get married, everyone has seen the trailer, so you know they get married, and the books came out forever ago, so I don't care if I've spoiled you. No one reading my blog is gonna cry about learning Twilight info anyway, so, really chances of being spoiled here? not likely. If you read the Title and saw Twilight and are still reading? I applaud you. So, let me also tell you they have their honeymoon in space and turns out Bella is actually an alien and she never needs to be turned into a vampire because she is a rare strain of Alien that ages only to 18 and then lives forever and then grows sparkly skin too.

Hopefully you turn into a 17 year old idiotic girl like I do when reading (watching? you should read.) them. So, I have no shame, I loved the Twilight Saga, it was awesome and dramatic and it was what every 17 year girl wanted, 2 boys fighting over her claiming eternal love. We were all brainwashed since birth by Disney movies to want Prince Charming, and Edward and Jacob are both charming in a sense. (read the books, btw they are better.) And come on, she never had to do homework, she just had to focus on boys! no homework, ftw! 

But that is not my point. I am bringing up the song. So, when the producers or whoever decided to have them dance to this song at Prom, this now became a love song for tweens and Twihards everywhere. But, in my opinion, which I can express freely, cause this is my blog (yay!) is that this is NOT a love song. Listen to the lyrics. It is sad song. Anything but lovely. If a boy dedicated this to me, I would be like. Wow, either you love Twilight or you don't like me, LIKE THAT.

And now they are walking down the isle to it?

Don't be Bella. Don't walk down the isle with a smooth talking vampire who sparkles if he picks this song as your wedding song.

Details people, details.

I'm still going to the midnight showing of Breaking Dawn Part 1 on Thursday. And I will have popcorn. And I will be like AAEHEHEHEHAAAAHHHHHH HAHAHAaaa wooo! >.<

"keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars."

You ever get in that hypnotic state of driving, where everything around you ceases to exist because it is the same roads you drive everyday, the same path you know. The cars around you become blurs of red, white, silver, blue, black... Blobs of nothing in your peripheral vision as you coast down the freeway, the side roads, the stop signs. Your legs and arms creating the natural motions like a puppet.
And then a song comes on the radio and wakes you up. And you stare at the radio, the clock, the digits, as if a picture is coming out at you, as if you were staring into someone's eyes. It is as if the gods of radio set their satellite to you and it is a special dedication. It is Casey Kasem and he is speaking right to you. You are in your own movie, this is happening, live it. Be narcissistic for this time, it is ok. You are allowed. Sometimes it is allowed to be all about you. So Casey is saying to you, "this one goes out special to you, kid... From me."
And for those 2-6 minutes you remember. To listen.
Songs are being dedicated to you all the time, kid. Don't be numb and fail to hear them.

Shake it out

If you asked me where I was going to be at 28 years old when I was younger. I would have never said here.
If you had flashed a vision of this life I am living to a 4th grade me, I would have not said it was me.

From the vision of a 4th grader who listened to New Kids on the Block, yeah maybe this isn't wonderful because I'm not married to Uncle Jesse from Full House and raising our beautiful children with lovely hair and singing in Kokomo with the Beach Boys.

But from the vision of an older than 4th grader, who is successful, motivated, independent, happy, and on my own two feet, I just wanted to say, yeah I'm awesome. Maybe sometimes I fall behind in realizing this but it is only when the little things that don't matter get to me.

But I know it. So fuck yeah.

P.S. I forgot Uncle Jesse was so dreamy. Our children would have been little blue eyed hipsters with mullets. I think I have changed my mind and I am going after my fourth grade ideals, and I am going to try to marry John Stamos.

And he will rock this hair at our wedding.

I will never lose my dreams, people.

"And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back, So shake him off."

I haven't felt the way I feel today In so long it's hard for me to specify.

I want to feel ready, but I don't know if I will ever be ready. Because I feel so lost, almost always. Usually. I feel overly exposed today. And everyday really, that I am being honest and interacting with people on a genuine level. And that is why I avoid it. I'm working on it though. It is easier to write to a blog. Because no one can directly respond.



So, in my state of over exposing myself, let me tell you, blog, that I feel like saying, "Oops I did it again." And I want to ask the almighty Wizard of Oz if I will ever be offered a fresh start without screwing it up. It is really funny (but not really at all. I am not laughing.) how I can be so successful in some aspects and then when things get anywhere near somewhere that may be leading down the yellow brick road towards good I have a tendency to reach in and press this button inside me. You know that Staples button that says "Easy"? I have one inside me that says "Self Sabotage." And I have grown accustomed to pressing it to get out of any and every situation. Luckily I have some amazing people in my life who pick up the tired broken pieces of me after I blown myself up (yes, the button makes me explode. Combust. Like the Incubus song. Fried from right above my knees.) and they put me together and fight for me without me asking them to.


I can blame it on tons of things. I know in the depths of my veins a history lingers from all this crap and I want to bleed out to get it out and just be free of it. But I realize history is what makes us us. Without the past the present wouldn't be here and we wouldn't have anything to base the steps to the future on.

I just know I am not complete. And that makes me feel so unsatisfied.
And I am so tired and all I can think is I know I need to write again. And I feel like writing again. And I don't care about hiding my writing anymore. I was in this state of hermit-ness where I didn't want to share any art in any form.
So I may not be complete, but at least I can say, maybe step 1 is.