I have cute shoes.

The greatest thing ever, is when you can honestly say you are better. And you aren't lying. Cause you are alone. And there is no one to tell it to but yourself. Corrinne Bailey Rae has a beautiful voice. She really does. And I am so glad I can listen to this song and hear that sweet voice crooning at me and enjoy it.

This song used to KILL me! I used to listen to it and cry like a baby. Because, come on, REALLY listen to it, the lyrics are killer. It is a great song. And if you are heartbroken and sad and missing someone deep down in your soul it is gonna tug on your heartstrings and make you sad. But I can hear it now and my eyes don't water up and my heart doesn't go thud thud *cry* thud thud *crawl in a corner hold myself and rock back and forth*

Every time I would purposely listen to these songs that used to make me so sad, I realize I was holding on to something that didn't even exist because it was something that I had idealized and created in my mind. And once I let go of all of that, I was able to let go of the pain. And in doing this I realized the pain and heartbreak and all the other crap, it didn't even exist as much as I thought it did. I was just scared mostly, of the unknown. Of moving on to something new, because something new is me jumping into the world alone and standing on my own two feet, but hey, I have some cute shoes, so at least when I am standing there on my own two feet I will look good, right? So, I can do it. And I am not really alone at all. I actually have way more love in my life now than I ever did when I was "in love." Perspective is a powerful thing.

P.S. Here are my cute shoes.. haha :-)

Happy (Valentine's) Day, rescheduled.

So, today is one year exactly since my ex-boyfriend and I broke up. We were out on our Valentine's Day dinner, because we didn't want to go out on Valentine's Day/ Night to avoid the crowds so we did it the next night. It is not like we did anything spectacular either. We had L & L Hawaiian BBQ... and thinking that we had L & L makes me LOL... ;-) So. It was dramatic and sad and a little to much to handle, (I mean, we watched a sunset... seriously, right? the sun set in the sky and then the sun literally set on our relationship! hahahahaha! man.) and I was so sad about it and dreading today, up til about a few weeks ago. But I still wasn't sure how today would be.

But guess what?? ... I actually didn't think about him til just a second ago. I was eating a chicken nugget thing, more of a chicken tender really. Breaded chicken thing from the oven, and so it has a breaded coating that got on my fingers, and so I unconciously wiped my fingers off. And I wiped them... on my shoulder.

Yes, I am crazy, and if you watch me eat, I wipe off my hands on my shoulders. Like a freakin' weirdo. And I NEVER realized I did this til he who shall not be named (yes I dated Lord Voldemort.. and SPOILER ALERT... I rebounded with Snape. But I am really in love with Ron Weasley. Anyway, I don't know where that came from. hahahaha.)  But what was I saying? Oh, yes, Lord Voldey he pointed out one day that I had some random food stuffs on my shoulder when we were in the apartment. And I was like... what? No I don't! But yeah, of course I did. And then he paid attention and he laughed at me one day when he saw that I wiped my fingers on my shoulders.

So. I don't know what the point of this is. But it made me laugh. And I think that is the point. That I thought I would be hiding and crying today over Lord Voldemort residue (I wonder what he will think of this new nickname BTW? HA!) but I am instead laughing over chicken nugget residue.

p.s. Here is a picture of Ron Weasley in his ice cream truck for good measure. Because I love him. <3

right?

"And there were so many fewer questions when stars were still just the holes to heaven."

Good luck exploring the infinite abyss

Positive begets positive and I am being surrounded by positive when I give it off and I need to remember that.

I need to remember the other day when I made a small effort that changed the course of potentially everything just by saying two words. I say "Hey" and a name. And then all the circumstances changed. The whole day changed. And like a domino effect things have been put into play and who knows where it is going. But you know I am not worried about it. I am just going with it.

And so, whoever is reading my blog? Thanks. Thank you. And Hey. I hope you have a great day. And do me a favor. Please go out and say thank you to someone. Find someone who you know that you haven't said thank you to in a while and tell them thank you. And what are you thanking them for? For being them. Tell them you appreciate them. For being them. Say "I appreciate you." And I wish I could have this conversation with you in person, whoever you are reading this to tell you I appreciate you if I haven't already, because I guarantee you I do. If you are in my life, you are there for a reason.


All I know is I am living, loving and learning. And enjoying every second as i live it. So I am going to do what life/the universe, etc. has been telling me to do for months now, and embrace it, be like the fool. accept that I am the fool, and I may be Sam, but I am also Largeman. I am both. I am growing. and changing. And is not only okay, it is wonderful. And I am going to go with it and take the step off the edge of the cliff and have fun exploring the infinite abyss.

The force is strong with this one

My best friend told me the other day that everything in your life is a symbol. And this just stuck with me. He went off on how I was a symbol and this other guy in his life was a symbol and his car was a symbol and everything, EVERYTHING is a symbol. And symbols can be new or they  have a tendency of reoccurring in your life until they serve their purpose.

But what if you don’t know the purpose of a symbol in your life?

It can cause headaches and heartaches and all kind of aches from overthinking.

So, I also have another friend who told me this thing at work and he was talking about computers and this program I am working with. He said I shouldn’t think of the end result, that I need to just put the pieces together as they fit and the end result will work itself out.

And it was the greatest thing I had heard in a long time.

This other friend, he is a new symbol in my life. He, or anything like him hasn’t occurred in my life before. But he isn’t a confusing symbol. He is clear and realistic (as he so often says) and I know what he is in my life for. And my best friend? He is a new symbol too. And I know what he is in my life for too. And they are both important symbols, and I know this because I have a force that draws me to them on some level.

So now. The thing that throws me off is, the symbols that are unclear. Particularly one. And I am still trying to determine if it is new or reoccurring. But I know I have a force with this symbol. And the force is strong with this one. But instead of letting it cause headaches and heartaches and all kinds of aches I am going to go with two strong symbols in my life and listen to them both. And basically go with the flow. And let the end result work itself out. If I just put the pieces together as they fit and as they come, them the end result will work itself out. Right?

Here’s hoping.   

This is a poem, not a blog. :-)

Sucker Punch

Your walls are up

And it throws me off

Way off

I get guarded and don’t know what to do

Signals are mixed and I’m confused and I’m lost

But I’m happy

(I think I’m happy at least)

And isn’t that what matters?

Because it’s always me with the walls

Up

But with you they go down

And you see that

You saw that

And you came right in

Or at least I thought you did

But maybe it is because you only came in for such a quick minute

But as soon as I said you could get comfortable

Have a seat, maybe take off your shoes

Relax and take a load off

That’s when you ran back outside

You ran from me

And now I don’t know what to do with that

Because I’m the one who runs

I’m the one who- when presented with

Fight

Or

Flight

Chooses flight

And I have really learned to find my wings lately

Because I used to choose fight

But I guess I just got knocked out

One too many times for comfort

But look at me now

What was I doing?

What was I thinking?

Fight

Not

Flight

But I was happy

(I thought I was happy at least)

Maybe I just needed to remember how it felt

To choose fight

And one day I will learn

What it means

Not only to just choose fight

But how to actually put up my fists

And not just stand there

For one more sucker punch