So if you care to find me... look to the western sky

I don't know the path that lies ahead of me.

But isn't that the point? What fun would it be to know the ending of the story before you read it?
I'm not one for spoilers. But I do like to know a little bit of what I'm getting into. A little teaser trailer, please.

So, I think sometimes I imagine there are shrubs and branches and debris covering my way so I can't even see my path. (and yeah, I'm imagining them, because my path is imaginary. Metaphorical. So why not just imagine them gone, right? yeah. haha) But even with the debris, the path still exists. And I have to remember that it is just my ignorance and stubborn ways that is causing me to not see my path. I am the one imagining the roadblocks. I am the one who has the power to move this crap out of my way. But sometimes,  it is like a dream where you want to run and you think *run run run run* and you just move in slow motion. Your mind won't cooperate. And you KNOW you are dreaming, so you even go COME ON, I am DREAMING, I am totally in control.. WORK WITH ME HERE!! But, our mind kinda does its own thing sometimes. (jerk.) If there was a branch blocking my way if I was walking down a literal path, what would I do? ...Find a way to move it out of my way is what I would do. And so, I think I just needed to find a way to move my figurative branches out of my way too. But I guess it just kinda took longer. But my path was there. And deep down I knew it too, maybe that was the magical key to moving the branches... learning there WAS a path there waiting for me, and I was not just a sad little displaced girl crying in Tulgey Woods anymore because someone swept my path from under my feet.

 

:-)

But seriously, I think I was just so used to my old path and got so comfortable walking in my old footsteps over and over, because I was in a rut, I was making excuses to feel safe. and I found myself again looking for safety and security and something easy, but life isn't easy. and what fun is that, going the easy path. Security and safety will come, maybe, but if they don't who cares. I am never going to settle until I find what makes me not question it. In any way. And I was almost settling again. but cockadoodledoo and kikiriki i gave myself a wake up call. And I apologize to myself. Because I am better than that, I am worth better than that, I deserve better than that and I will have better than that. And Screw anyone who doesn't think so. :-)

Clarity comes from perspective and I am seeing things from all different perspectives, yours, mine, ours, and
I'm learning. And I'm okay. And I'm happy. And, guess what... I REALLY REALLY mean it this time.

Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating

I am being haunted. And I can’t stand it. Haunted by anger and resentment that was disguising itself as sadness. And it keeps washing on the shores of my own personal beaches and breaking all the beautiful shells that rest there, turning them into little scraps and shards and pieces of broken memories and possibilities and ideals and wants and hopes and wishes and dreams.

You ever wake up and go, what the hell am I doing??? Is this my life? How did I get HERE?

Well, I don’t even have to go to sleep to get there anymore. Sometimes, I just have to blink, or close my eyes, hold them shut, make a wish, open them, realize the wish is never going to come true, and then… welcome to my world.

I swear I am mostly happy, and I am trying not to be this way, but I think it is easier sometimes to embrace not trying and just be. Just be. Live. Let it happen as it will and it is easier. I over-analyze everything and I need to stop. And I also need to stop talking. And do more writing.

“Constantly talking isn’t necessarily communicating.”

I think I forget this sometimes. 

Meet me in Montauk. Or Nebraska. 

Actually, don’t. I wanna be alone.

beauty in the breakdown

It is so fucked up how we have to open our hearts to let someone in- to trust, to love, to create a connection and only then when we let someone in fully do we reach that intimate level of friendship that goes beyond friendship to something that can only be called a connection. It becomes a new level, a level of letting someone know you, of knowing them, and not only letting them, but wanting them to, and hopefully, you think, them wanting you to know them. Taking down the walls, the barriers, the guards, all of it, and when you are together, it is a comfortable world of trust and security and safety.

And now- the fucked up part is this- we have to be aware of our actions to open up to someone- to allow this to happen- we have to make a conscious decision to trust- and every time we make this decision- or even consider it- to trust, to let someone in- we base it on our past, on our other experiences, on our decisions of trust, of seeing who we have let roam free in our hearts before, who we have let experience that world of safety and security with and how they left it- if they are still there, and we weigh it out. Because really, no one ever REALLY leaves our hearts, they either are their forever because they never physically leave our lives, or the ones that do, leave behind residue that will always affect us in some way. So, if we decide to let someone in, we have to weigh out that an impression will be there forever, so this should never be a decision that is made lightly.

And so you think we would learn. You think I would learn.

But, I am learning, maybe. Learning that I am always just trying to jump ahead on the lesson plans life is dishing out at me- just like any over eager, obnoxious seemingly know-it-all student. But I am not a know-it-all, and at least I know that. But I am over eager. Because I don’t know where I am going, and that makes me anxious. I want my teacher, whoever they are, to give me the questions for the final now. Better yet, just give me that answers. Or fast forward and just post my grades.

Maybe the lesson here, though, is that I have to just sit back and let life happen. I have to stop trying so hard, and just let things fall as they will. I have to give in to being the student and let life teach me. Because after all… “there’s beauty in the breakdown,” right?

somebody's poisoned the waterhole

When reaching for the stars it is important to remember to keep both feet firmly planted on the ground. It is so easy to get lost in the vast array of nothingness that is out there. To get swept up in the stars, in the sky, in the appeal of the unknown. Yeah, it is great to embrace the unknown and just leap, to just let go and take a chance, but come on, you can’t just blindly walk into traffic and expect not to get run over.
Yes, take chances, experience life. Live. Do it. Just say yes. But be prepared. It’s like jumping out a plane,  aren’t you going to wear a parachute? Of course you are. And that doesn’t make it any less terrifying or insane or something most of us would never do. It is not like a conversation would go:

Person A: “hey guess what?? I jumped out of a plane!!”

Person B: “Awesome!... wait did you wear a parachute, though??”

Person A: “of course I did!”

Person B: “well then, YOU SUCK!”

Person A: *cries and runs away*

No. No one cares to ask if you wore a parachute. Because OF COURSE YOU DID.

Letting go, taking chances, leaping… can be just as awesome, as amazing (and also just as terrifying…) with a parachute on.

“Slow and steady wins the race” right? Well then there should never be a rush. Not even when letting go. Especially when letting go.

222: Let go and have faith.

you will never see a flower bloom if you are too scared to even plant a seed.

Be. Feel. Enjoy it. Don't Move.

Sometimes we have to stop and give into how we feel. Give in to the simplicity of it. Of something that can make us feel and stop analyzing it so much. The clouds are beautiful because they float and capture the breeze and create magical shapes from it. From letting the air around them do what it will. They allow it. They play. They are free. And without question.

One of the most beautiful things people can share is touch. You can get lost in it. A moment as simple as warm skin brushing against warm skin. In one instant- any preconceived notions, any analyzing, any judgments, worries... all of it- gone. And all that energy spent now rushes into a bullet of thought targeted like a heat seeking missile to that skin- that warm on warm, skin on skin- touching, feeling. And we give in. We feel. And for an instant it is like living in a huge soft ball of satiny cotton. Pure imagination- muffled around only that feeling- safe, warm heated, protected. And all that can be processed is: We. Us. This. That. Connected. This feels... good. This is nice. This makes me happy. Be. Feel. Enjoy it. Don't move.

And we do. And our walls go down. We lose all defenses if even for those fleeting moments.

But eventually we move. And we lose the warmth. And we analyze. We become ridiculous creatures who live behind our guarded walls that we just build ever higher and higher, and never think to build a door or a window to let anyone in (even though we want to). Because we are difficult and want someone to fight for us because we need to know they might actually stick it out a little. We want someone that won't run, unless that running is them chasing after us after we try to run away ourselves. We want to feel wanted without asking.

If only we could just be like a cloud. Float and go where the wind takes us. Create shapes freely from the beauty around us without worry, without question. (And come on, I know of course clouds are not just there for our amusement. That they are not just floating around looking oh so pretty, I don't live in a ridiculous dream world... But isn't it nice to just allow yourself to just see them as that? As nothing but beautiful pieces of fluff in the sky, floating around peacefully with the wind. If even just for a minute?)

We have to allow ourselves simple innocences. We have to realize it is okay to get lost in life sometimes (and more often than not). That it is okay to get lost in that act of living, in the act of living for ourselves. Everything is a choice. And we can choose to remember how wonderful it feels to get lost in the simple pleasures and enjoy them. We can choose to become aware of these moments that make use say and think "this makes me happy" and allow ourselves to get lost in them.

Everything is our choice.

And sometimes, we need to just: Stop. Give in. Be. Feel. Enjoy it. Don't move.