So if you care to find me... look to the western sky

I don't know the path that lies ahead of me.

But isn't that the point? What fun would it be to know the ending of the story before you read it?
I'm not one for spoilers. But I do like to know a little bit of what I'm getting into. A little teaser trailer, please.

So, I think sometimes I imagine there are shrubs and branches and debris covering my way so I can't even see my path. (and yeah, I'm imagining them, because my path is imaginary. Metaphorical. So why not just imagine them gone, right? yeah. haha) But even with the debris, the path still exists. And I have to remember that it is just my ignorance and stubborn ways that is causing me to not see my path. I am the one imagining the roadblocks. I am the one who has the power to move this crap out of my way. But sometimes,  it is like a dream where you want to run and you think *run run run run* and you just move in slow motion. Your mind won't cooperate. And you KNOW you are dreaming, so you even go COME ON, I am DREAMING, I am totally in control.. WORK WITH ME HERE!! But, our mind kinda does its own thing sometimes. (jerk.) If there was a branch blocking my way if I was walking down a literal path, what would I do? ...Find a way to move it out of my way is what I would do. And so, I think I just needed to find a way to move my figurative branches out of my way too. But I guess it just kinda took longer. But my path was there. And deep down I knew it too, maybe that was the magical key to moving the branches... learning there WAS a path there waiting for me, and I was not just a sad little displaced girl crying in Tulgey Woods anymore because someone swept my path from under my feet.

 

:-)

But seriously, I think I was just so used to my old path and got so comfortable walking in my old footsteps over and over, because I was in a rut, I was making excuses to feel safe. and I found myself again looking for safety and security and something easy, but life isn't easy. and what fun is that, going the easy path. Security and safety will come, maybe, but if they don't who cares. I am never going to settle until I find what makes me not question it. In any way. And I was almost settling again. but cockadoodledoo and kikiriki i gave myself a wake up call. And I apologize to myself. Because I am better than that, I am worth better than that, I deserve better than that and I will have better than that. And Screw anyone who doesn't think so. :-)

Clarity comes from perspective and I am seeing things from all different perspectives, yours, mine, ours, and
I'm learning. And I'm okay. And I'm happy. And, guess what... I REALLY REALLY mean it this time.

Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating

I am being haunted. And I can’t stand it. Haunted by anger and resentment that was disguising itself as sadness. And it keeps washing on the shores of my own personal beaches and breaking all the beautiful shells that rest there, turning them into little scraps and shards and pieces of broken memories and possibilities and ideals and wants and hopes and wishes and dreams.

You ever wake up and go, what the hell am I doing??? Is this my life? How did I get HERE?

Well, I don’t even have to go to sleep to get there anymore. Sometimes, I just have to blink, or close my eyes, hold them shut, make a wish, open them, realize the wish is never going to come true, and then… welcome to my world.

I swear I am mostly happy, and I am trying not to be this way, but I think it is easier sometimes to embrace not trying and just be. Just be. Live. Let it happen as it will and it is easier. I over-analyze everything and I need to stop. And I also need to stop talking. And do more writing.

“Constantly talking isn’t necessarily communicating.”

I think I forget this sometimes. 

Meet me in Montauk. Or Nebraska. 

Actually, don’t. I wanna be alone.

beauty in the breakdown

It is so fucked up how we have to open our hearts to let someone in- to trust, to love, to create a connection and only then when we let someone in fully do we reach that intimate level of friendship that goes beyond friendship to something that can only be called a connection. It becomes a new level, a level of letting someone know you, of knowing them, and not only letting them, but wanting them to, and hopefully, you think, them wanting you to know them. Taking down the walls, the barriers, the guards, all of it, and when you are together, it is a comfortable world of trust and security and safety.

And now- the fucked up part is this- we have to be aware of our actions to open up to someone- to allow this to happen- we have to make a conscious decision to trust- and every time we make this decision- or even consider it- to trust, to let someone in- we base it on our past, on our other experiences, on our decisions of trust, of seeing who we have let roam free in our hearts before, who we have let experience that world of safety and security with and how they left it- if they are still there, and we weigh it out. Because really, no one ever REALLY leaves our hearts, they either are their forever because they never physically leave our lives, or the ones that do, leave behind residue that will always affect us in some way. So, if we decide to let someone in, we have to weigh out that an impression will be there forever, so this should never be a decision that is made lightly.

And so you think we would learn. You think I would learn.

But, I am learning, maybe. Learning that I am always just trying to jump ahead on the lesson plans life is dishing out at me- just like any over eager, obnoxious seemingly know-it-all student. But I am not a know-it-all, and at least I know that. But I am over eager. Because I don’t know where I am going, and that makes me anxious. I want my teacher, whoever they are, to give me the questions for the final now. Better yet, just give me that answers. Or fast forward and just post my grades.

Maybe the lesson here, though, is that I have to just sit back and let life happen. I have to stop trying so hard, and just let things fall as they will. I have to give in to being the student and let life teach me. Because after all… “there’s beauty in the breakdown,” right?

somebody's poisoned the waterhole

When reaching for the stars it is important to remember to keep both feet firmly planted on the ground. It is so easy to get lost in the vast array of nothingness that is out there. To get swept up in the stars, in the sky, in the appeal of the unknown. Yeah, it is great to embrace the unknown and just leap, to just let go and take a chance, but come on, you can’t just blindly walk into traffic and expect not to get run over.
Yes, take chances, experience life. Live. Do it. Just say yes. But be prepared. It’s like jumping out a plane,  aren’t you going to wear a parachute? Of course you are. And that doesn’t make it any less terrifying or insane or something most of us would never do. It is not like a conversation would go:

Person A: “hey guess what?? I jumped out of a plane!!”

Person B: “Awesome!... wait did you wear a parachute, though??”

Person A: “of course I did!”

Person B: “well then, YOU SUCK!”

Person A: *cries and runs away*

No. No one cares to ask if you wore a parachute. Because OF COURSE YOU DID.

Letting go, taking chances, leaping… can be just as awesome, as amazing (and also just as terrifying…) with a parachute on.

“Slow and steady wins the race” right? Well then there should never be a rush. Not even when letting go. Especially when letting go.

222: Let go and have faith.

you will never see a flower bloom if you are too scared to even plant a seed.

Be. Feel. Enjoy it. Don't Move.

Sometimes we have to stop and give into how we feel. Give in to the simplicity of it. Of something that can make us feel and stop analyzing it so much. The clouds are beautiful because they float and capture the breeze and create magical shapes from it. From letting the air around them do what it will. They allow it. They play. They are free. And without question.

One of the most beautiful things people can share is touch. You can get lost in it. A moment as simple as warm skin brushing against warm skin. In one instant- any preconceived notions, any analyzing, any judgments, worries... all of it- gone. And all that energy spent now rushes into a bullet of thought targeted like a heat seeking missile to that skin- that warm on warm, skin on skin- touching, feeling. And we give in. We feel. And for an instant it is like living in a huge soft ball of satiny cotton. Pure imagination- muffled around only that feeling- safe, warm heated, protected. And all that can be processed is: We. Us. This. That. Connected. This feels... good. This is nice. This makes me happy. Be. Feel. Enjoy it. Don't move.

And we do. And our walls go down. We lose all defenses if even for those fleeting moments.

But eventually we move. And we lose the warmth. And we analyze. We become ridiculous creatures who live behind our guarded walls that we just build ever higher and higher, and never think to build a door or a window to let anyone in (even though we want to). Because we are difficult and want someone to fight for us because we need to know they might actually stick it out a little. We want someone that won't run, unless that running is them chasing after us after we try to run away ourselves. We want to feel wanted without asking.

If only we could just be like a cloud. Float and go where the wind takes us. Create shapes freely from the beauty around us without worry, without question. (And come on, I know of course clouds are not just there for our amusement. That they are not just floating around looking oh so pretty, I don't live in a ridiculous dream world... But isn't it nice to just allow yourself to just see them as that? As nothing but beautiful pieces of fluff in the sky, floating around peacefully with the wind. If even just for a minute?)

We have to allow ourselves simple innocences. We have to realize it is okay to get lost in life sometimes (and more often than not). That it is okay to get lost in that act of living, in the act of living for ourselves. Everything is a choice. And we can choose to remember how wonderful it feels to get lost in the simple pleasures and enjoy them. We can choose to become aware of these moments that make use say and think "this makes me happy" and allow ourselves to get lost in them.

Everything is our choice.

And sometimes, we need to just: Stop. Give in. Be. Feel. Enjoy it. Don't move.

I am not unique

The greatest thing happened to me today. I was told I was not unique. What a reality evoking, life balancing welcomed slap in the face.

How easy it is to get involved in petty childish drama and to let it wrap us up, soak us in at virtually eat us alive.

But that is thing. I am alive. And I have to live. Just like everyone else.

I am not unique.

Just gotta let it soak in.

It is not a negative thing, not at all. But it is not a positive thing. It is a neutral thing. It is a balancing thing. It is a connecting thing. It reminds me that I am like you, like her, like him, like she, like he, like they, like we, like us, like them, like me.

I don't get to walk the planet experiencing things alone, no, we all feel the same things, down to the teardrop.

Don't believe me? Watch a movie, turn on the radio, read a book. We all relate to the same things. We all feel it. Human emotion is so complex, but it is so relatable. It is simple, cliches exist because they exist!!! We are not unique. We are all walking cliches. Embrace it.

We can still all be Superman

When you were little playing Superman, think back: I bet the red cape wasn’t actually a red cape. It was a sheet, or a blanket, or a jacket, or a shirt. Or imaginary. And it probably wasn’t even red. And the red cape didn’t actually make you fly. It just reminded you to believe. It allowed us to close our eyes, and then yes… we flew!

We need to remember this. To close our eyes and put on our red capes and fly.

To believe. To believe in ourselves. We need to remember. Because we forget this simple and basic idea. Because Superman IS going to save our day, yes, absolutely. Superman is coming, in fact, Superman never went anywhere. Superman is you. Superman is me. And Superman is going to save the day, because we are going to save the day. No one else. We can’t forget. Not only can we still be Superman, we ARE still Superman. Sometimes we just need to remember how to put our red capes back on.

Feeling productive?

Do you ever wake up and wonder what you are going to do for the day? What you are going to do to make yourself feel productive? To make the day feel... worth it? To make the day feel... how can I put it... lived? I don't want to waste my days. I want to live. I want to live and be productive. I want to do something. I want to make a difference. I want to leave an imprint and change things for the better.

But you know what else? Sometimes I just want to sleep all day. Or stay in bed. Or just stay in my pajamas and not get up and just be a lazy bum who doesn't do anything in particular. Sometimes that is being productive, isn't it? Sometimes taking a break is the most productive thing we can do. Letting the engine rest.

I'm not gonna save the world, really. And if I stay home watching 7 episodes of Grey's Anatomy with my step-mom instead of going out and joining the board of a community garden, then the world is going to be the same. There is no rush on anything. If I do something today or tomorrow, really, it is no big deal. And I can never forget balance. Because if I am always out, out, out... my scales are going to tip way to far and I am going to fall. I need to stay in too. I need to use some weekends to stay in my pajamas and do a whole lot of nothing. And guess what, I need to write some blogs about a whole lot of nothing. Where I don't proof read them, I am not gonna proof read this, and I am gonna say gonna instead of going to. And it feels good.

And guess what? I'm just gonna end the blog here.

Some good advice

So I found some notes I wrote, of some good advice that I got and wanted to share it. I know the person who gave me this advice doesn't read my blog, but I appreciate this advice more than they know. And I appreciate them. So, I'm putting it out there: hey person who doesn't read my blog, thanks for the advice, and I appreciate you more than you know. (and I feel better that it is out there.)

And here is the advice:

"To create change: Remain selfess. Never take it personal; they are not usually doing it to hurt you, if anything they are just taking you for granted. When you have an idea, create a solid plan and present it. Show how your schedule is full and how one things bumps another. (so you don’t get overwhelmed). Even if one time only half of what you want gets done then keep pushing it because later, another half may get done, and then there is all of it. As long as you aren’t moving backwards."

It will all be okay.

It is 2am on a Saturday. Tears are streaming down my face as I cruise down the freeway. And I don’t know what is wrong with me. And I feel stupid. And no, I have not been drinking, I understand it is 2am on Saturday, but I wasn’t at a bar. And nothing stupid happened. No one hurt me, no one said anything mean, I’m just crying. And I just left my friend’s house. That’s it. And we were writing and talking. Talking too much maybe, because I think I might have opened some goddamn flood gates. Because now it is 8pm on a Sunday. And I am on the freeway again. And, lo and behold… tears are streaming down my face as I cruise down the empty lanes. Seriously? I must be driving down the saddest freeway in the world. Or should I turn off KyXy 96.5 because the soft rock love songs are getting to me? Steven Tyler is right, I don’t wanna close my eyes, I don’t wanna fall asleep. But It ain’t cause I am missing no babe. It is cause I don’t know what I’m missing. So I am driving, and I am still crying, no- I am bawling. I am bawling on the 125 south and I am almost to the 54 and I know I will be home soon and I just want to keep driving. It feels good to cry on the freeway. It is always nice to be in your car, because it provides this little safe haven for you, and crying in the car has become a therapeutic thing for me. (Now I don’t regularly cry in my car, I didn’t turn emo or anything. But I’ve had a tough year, and if the tears come, and I am in my car, I am always thankful cause they can flow freely in there.) And crying on the freeway is easier and nicer cause there are no stoplights and stop signs. No one to randomly be stopped next to you and silently judge your tear stained cheeks. But, I’m rambling a little here... So, back to it. I am bawling, right? And I don’t know why. I don’t even have the radio on, so I can’t blame it on KyXy. And I won’t know, didn’t know until I started writing this, believe it or not, just exactly what I was crying about. And now I feel better. Cause it was 12am on a Monday. Tears were streaming down my face. (Come on, three days in a row? Yup. 3 days in a freakin’ row.) But it is 12:29 now. And I’m not crying. Because I know what I was crying about now. I think my eyes were going to keep flooding tears to clear my vision out until I could finally see.

So here it is. I am reading a book by Anthony Rapp, he was in Rent, and this book is his memoir. And in it, he goes to a funeral. And someone tells him something along the lines of, when someone dies you not only have to mourn them, but you also need to mourn who you were in their eyes, how they saw you, who you were to them, because that has died too. A part of you dies with them. And this isn’t morbid, it is true. And it just hits home, and it is so freakin simple but so insightful and I wish I would have read it a long time ago.

Because I need to allow myself to heal, I know this, I have been trying and it just isn't working. So I realize, I hadn’t allowed myself to mourn completely. I was mourning the loss of one thing, when I neglected to mourn my part in it. It is okay to be selfish. We have to. We live inside ourselves, so we have to take care of ourselves. And sometimes to take care of ourselves, we need to put aside all others for a moment, and drive down the freeway and cry. Sometimes we just need to let it all come out, naturally, as it will, and once it is finished, we will know what is going on. Sometimes things look like a big crazy mess, but it is because we are right smack in the middle of things. We need to let things finish. And sometimes all we can do, is allow time to pass and let things happen on their own. Give in, but never give up. There is a difference. And yes, it will all be okay.

This is not really about a car at all

It is easy to get distracted by something shiny and new. To think it is the greatest thing you have ever seen. Like a new car. And I’m not talking brand new, just new to you. And you may not notice a few small dents and scratches at first, and if you do, you just brush them aside because hey it is only a few, and nothing is perfect right? Then maybe the engine makes a funny noise, or leaves a weird puddle after it has been parked somewhere for a little too long… but we just brush it off again because… ooooh look at that shiny cherry red paint! (It is so nice to look at, isn’t it?!?) But, the tire blows a flat. (Well that is why there is a spare in the trunk, right?) We change the oil every 3,000 miles. (Routine maintenance goes for everything right? Isn’t our job to take care of it?) But wait… is it really that great anymore? How shiny is that paint after all…? It actually looks like it is kind of fading. And we really need to look into that engine, it is still making funny noises. How reliable is this car anyway? Is it built to last? Is this car going to take me where I need to go? Where I want to go? If needed can it go from 0-60 in 2.5 seconds? But wait wait wait, do the brakes even work???? Can I get a warranty? What is the return policy?

Maybe I should have invested in a bicycle??

I think I will just walk, actually.

The second start to the right

And Straight on til Morning

Balance

Change doesn’t always happen overnight. Change is something that can take a long time, and sometimes we don’t even see the effect of the things we change. Change can also be instantaneous. It really is dependent on all the factors that are at play. Every day we touch and are touched by things, someone, something and without even knowing it (or maybe we do know it) that small touch has changed things forever. And it is sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. Life is all about balance. But whether it is for better or worse, it has changed. And change doesn’t always have to be on a grand scale. The only way to get anywhere is one step at a time, and sometimes you have to take someone else’s path. But better to take the journey than never go at all, right? Life is about constant actions that are playing off each other affecting each other. Whether we like it or not, we live in a world where everything and everyone are all connected and all affect each other on some level. Now, the glass is half full because of balance. We are born with nothing in our glass at all. And as we learn and grow our glass does start to fill. From others, from our surroundings. And in the innocence and wide eyed wonderment of youth, our glass can start to fill pretty quick. So we get to a good level.  But as we grow, and learn and become aware of life, new people, new surroundings, in the same way, our glass also gets emptied. It is change and balance that is affecting the contents of our glass. We are surrounded by life and all of the things that happen to us keep our glass at the level it should be- half full. Life keeps us grounded, but also keeps us hopeful. Balanced. If we start to feel that our glass is filling up, then life will usually throw something at us, to knock our level back down, empty some of our glass, back down to half full. And if you look and see, life will notice if you start to think your glass is empty as well. Just when you think your glass is half empty, or even empty, all you need to do is open your eyes and yourself to it and you will get a down pour to fill up your glass. But if you really look and see you will know that your glass has always been at the same constant level- half full. Because it is about perspective, and it is our perspectives that change, we get too selfish, we wallow in too much pity, we become gluttons, we feed on greed, we lose sight of being selfless and fearless and living for living. Half full doesn’t mean optimistic positivity. It means balance.

*So I slept on it. And have some added commentary to my own post. :-)*



So I am wrong, but not completely. Portions of my ideas were wrong. The glass isn't half full, well it is... it is both, both half full and half empty. Right? It has to be. If you can take more out of it, it is partially full. But you can add more to it, so it also is partially empty. So it is both half empty and half full at the same time. It is balance. Balance is everywhere, in everything, I just never took the time to look at things from the perspective of balance.

Be fearless

I have a new outlook on life. A new philosophy if you will. And it is teaching me what it really means to be happy, and it is teaching me the true meaning of love.

Do you remember being a child, and running up to someone, your Mom or your Dad… but think back, it didn’t even have to be a big headlining name like that. It could be Second Aunt Mildred twice removed and now she is back from Nebraska visiting for two weeks. When you were a child, you would run up to Good Ol’ Aunt Mildred, and just appreciate her presence, and give her a hug. Maybe give her a kiss. Maybe even tell her “I love you.” And why? Just because you felt like it.

Maybe Aunt Mildred had great shoes on. Or maybe Aunt Mildred made you laugh. Or maybe she smelled good. So what would you do? Tell her. And right away. And why? Because you felt like it. Because you wanted her to know. No other reason. No ulterior motive. No reason of your own, only for the completely innocent selfless reasoning of just doing what you felt. Living in the moment. If there was possibly any ulterior motive at all, it was the feeling you got after making someone else feel good. And there it is. The key to happiness. Making others happy. Children know what life is about. They see things with wide eyed wonderment and smile and laugh and cherish the little things. They aren’t worried about time or getting dirt on their shoes or eating too much ice cream. Consequences are inevitable but children don’t think of them. And now, don’t think I am suggesting that I plan on running around without thinking of any consequences, being a selfish good for nothing glutton who will just run around aimlessly thinking I live without rules or can just tell everyone what I think and will just walk away. Quite the opposite actually. I just remember how good it felt to be a child and am learning to recapture that fearlessness and embrace it now as an adult. And I am learning also and understanding clearly that all my actions have consequences. So I am taking those ideas and combining them. Because, sometimes it is those actions we fail to do that have the worst consequences. Regret is a horrible word. And regret is a consequence of inaction. So now, I act. If someone makes me feel good, I tell them. If someone makes me feel happy, I tell them. If someone makes me smile, I tell them. What is better than passing on a good feeling?

Let go

It is hard to let go. To just release. To drop it, leave it. Kick it to the curb and never look back.

Sometimes the thing that we think we want the most, the thing that we can want so bad that we actually rationalize in our mind that not only do we want it, but now, somehow we need it, this thing, it is usually the worst thing for us.

But who am I kidding. "we," "us"... let me fess up here. It is ME. All me. If anyone else feels this same way, great. But I need to stop trying to find someone else to compare excuses with that will then somehow make my excuses seem more "okay", and I will just accept that I am in charge here.

So, lets try again:

The thing I always think I want the most, the thing I want so bad that I actually rationalize in MY mind that I not only want it, but now, somehow I need it. this thing, it is ALWAYS the worst thing for ME.

So, the first step in the right direction is always the cliched path of acceptance. So this is me, accepting. (and I feel better already).

I am also letting go. Releasing. I kicked it to the curb. And I really tried to kick it as hard as I could, but I am as about as tough as a marshmallow when it comes down to it, so it probably would be more honest to say that I coaxed it to the curb sweetly with some milk and cookies and as it was eating and distracted I ran. But never the less, it is at the curb. And I'm working really hard to not look back.

Wake up

Sometimes, the hardest part about waking up is just that- waking up. Opening our eyes. It is a forceful action. Your body, sometimes... yes, on that rare, wonderful occasion, will be ready, and your eyes will bust open like two shutters pulled hard by heavy hands- yank- thud- pop- up! But most days, we want to stay there. And it is because we are able to maintain in the wonderful state of dreaming. No one wants to wake up. Why would we? Waking up means we have to get up. But does it mean we have to stop dreaming? Is it possible to dream with intent? Is it possible to still dream with our eyes wide open? To guide the course of our actions in a fully realized state of being AWAKE? Live it. Dream it. Be it. Wake up.

Why Wait?

Can you just start a blog… randomly? That is what I have been asking myself for the past few weeks. And I was coming up with a few things… A blog has to make some kind of sense. A blog has to be cohesive on some level. A blog has to be more than just random ramblings. But then I thought to myself, does it really? And I came to the conclusion, no it doesn’t. Who cares. And so I overcame that roadblock. So I decided step one in blog-dom is I CAN just ramble on about nothing in particular, (and really, for anyone who knows me, we all know it wasn’t going to take me long to come to that conclusion.) And so, there I was, fine with that. Rambleville, Blogtopia: population, me. And then I thought to myself, ok… now I am going to blog, and I am going to ramble on about nothing in particular… and then wait… red flags, police sirens, warnings… rambling about nothing? How pretentious and cocky would that be? Am I THAT person? That person who thinks that MY random thoughts may be worthy of others taking their time to read them?  ...And I just took a breath and thought, you know what, I am not the first person in the world to start a blog... And I read blogs. And I read books... and I read... everything, constantly. I love to read everything other people write, why not give people the benefit of the doubt that enjoy reading what others have to say. And, we as a people all want to be heard, and more importantly if I am going to admit that I want to try to attempt to label myself as “Writer” I might as well get over THAT roadblock and actually admit that I want people to read what I have to write. Call me pretentious and cocky for that, but I would really prefer if you would appreciate my honesty and call me writer, or just understand where I am coming from and call me Rachel. So I figured out these roadblocks, and was ready to go for it… right? Wrong. I had this insane idea that I had to be organized and do something that made sense like starting a daily blog and starting it on January 1, 2011. Or starting it on 10/10/10. Or something else completely lame that would then tie me down and make me hate it. So, what I decided to do when I woke up this morning was create a blog in which I would write when I felt like it, whenever that happened to be, be it once a day, multiple times a day, once a month, or even once a  year, following no boundaries or structure, and express myself freely. And not to wait to do it. Because really... why wait? Welcome to my blog.