I want to feel ready, but I don't know if I will ever be ready. Because I feel so lost, almost always. Usually. I feel overly exposed today. And everyday really, that I am being honest and interacting with people on a genuine level. And that is why I avoid it. I'm working on it though. It is easier to write to a blog. Because no one can directly respond.
So, in my state of over exposing myself, let me tell you, blog, that I feel like saying, "Oops I did it again." And I want to ask the almighty Wizard of Oz if I will ever be offered a fresh start without screwing it up. It is really funny (but not really at all. I am not laughing.) how I can be so successful in some aspects and then when things get anywhere near somewhere that may be leading down the yellow brick road towards good I have a tendency to reach in and press this button inside me. You know that Staples button that says "Easy"? I have one inside me that says "Self Sabotage." And I have grown accustomed to pressing it to get out of any and every situation. Luckily I have some amazing people in my life who pick up the tired broken pieces of me after I blown myself up (yes, the button makes me explode. Combust. Like the Incubus song. Fried from right above my knees.) and they put me together and fight for me without me asking them to.
I can blame it on tons of things. I know in the depths of my veins a history lingers from all this crap and I want to bleed out to get it out and just be free of it. But I realize history is what makes us us. Without the past the present wouldn't be here and we wouldn't have anything to base the steps to the future on.
I just know I am not complete. And that makes me feel so unsatisfied.
And I am so tired and all I can think is I know I need to write again. And I feel like writing again. And I don't care about hiding my writing anymore. I was in this state of hermit-ness where I didn't want to share any art in any form.
So I may not be complete, but at least I can say, maybe step 1 is.
No comments:
Post a Comment