It will all be okay.

It is 2am on a Saturday. Tears are streaming down my face as I cruise down the freeway. And I don’t know what is wrong with me. And I feel stupid. And no, I have not been drinking, I understand it is 2am on Saturday, but I wasn’t at a bar. And nothing stupid happened. No one hurt me, no one said anything mean, I’m just crying. And I just left my friend’s house. That’s it. And we were writing and talking. Talking too much maybe, because I think I might have opened some goddamn flood gates. Because now it is 8pm on a Sunday. And I am on the freeway again. And, lo and behold… tears are streaming down my face as I cruise down the empty lanes. Seriously? I must be driving down the saddest freeway in the world. Or should I turn off KyXy 96.5 because the soft rock love songs are getting to me? Steven Tyler is right, I don’t wanna close my eyes, I don’t wanna fall asleep. But It ain’t cause I am missing no babe. It is cause I don’t know what I’m missing. So I am driving, and I am still crying, no- I am bawling. I am bawling on the 125 south and I am almost to the 54 and I know I will be home soon and I just want to keep driving. It feels good to cry on the freeway. It is always nice to be in your car, because it provides this little safe haven for you, and crying in the car has become a therapeutic thing for me. (Now I don’t regularly cry in my car, I didn’t turn emo or anything. But I’ve had a tough year, and if the tears come, and I am in my car, I am always thankful cause they can flow freely in there.) And crying on the freeway is easier and nicer cause there are no stoplights and stop signs. No one to randomly be stopped next to you and silently judge your tear stained cheeks. But, I’m rambling a little here... So, back to it. I am bawling, right? And I don’t know why. I don’t even have the radio on, so I can’t blame it on KyXy. And I won’t know, didn’t know until I started writing this, believe it or not, just exactly what I was crying about. And now I feel better. Cause it was 12am on a Monday. Tears were streaming down my face. (Come on, three days in a row? Yup. 3 days in a freakin’ row.) But it is 12:29 now. And I’m not crying. Because I know what I was crying about now. I think my eyes were going to keep flooding tears to clear my vision out until I could finally see.

So here it is. I am reading a book by Anthony Rapp, he was in Rent, and this book is his memoir. And in it, he goes to a funeral. And someone tells him something along the lines of, when someone dies you not only have to mourn them, but you also need to mourn who you were in their eyes, how they saw you, who you were to them, because that has died too. A part of you dies with them. And this isn’t morbid, it is true. And it just hits home, and it is so freakin simple but so insightful and I wish I would have read it a long time ago.

Because I need to allow myself to heal, I know this, I have been trying and it just isn't working. So I realize, I hadn’t allowed myself to mourn completely. I was mourning the loss of one thing, when I neglected to mourn my part in it. It is okay to be selfish. We have to. We live inside ourselves, so we have to take care of ourselves. And sometimes to take care of ourselves, we need to put aside all others for a moment, and drive down the freeway and cry. Sometimes we just need to let it all come out, naturally, as it will, and once it is finished, we will know what is going on. Sometimes things look like a big crazy mess, but it is because we are right smack in the middle of things. We need to let things finish. And sometimes all we can do, is allow time to pass and let things happen on their own. Give in, but never give up. There is a difference. And yes, it will all be okay.