beauty in the breakdown

It is so fucked up how we have to open our hearts to let someone in- to trust, to love, to create a connection and only then when we let someone in fully do we reach that intimate level of friendship that goes beyond friendship to something that can only be called a connection. It becomes a new level, a level of letting someone know you, of knowing them, and not only letting them, but wanting them to, and hopefully, you think, them wanting you to know them. Taking down the walls, the barriers, the guards, all of it, and when you are together, it is a comfortable world of trust and security and safety.

And now- the fucked up part is this- we have to be aware of our actions to open up to someone- to allow this to happen- we have to make a conscious decision to trust- and every time we make this decision- or even consider it- to trust, to let someone in- we base it on our past, on our other experiences, on our decisions of trust, of seeing who we have let roam free in our hearts before, who we have let experience that world of safety and security with and how they left it- if they are still there, and we weigh it out. Because really, no one ever REALLY leaves our hearts, they either are their forever because they never physically leave our lives, or the ones that do, leave behind residue that will always affect us in some way. So, if we decide to let someone in, we have to weigh out that an impression will be there forever, so this should never be a decision that is made lightly.

And so you think we would learn. You think I would learn.

But, I am learning, maybe. Learning that I am always just trying to jump ahead on the lesson plans life is dishing out at me- just like any over eager, obnoxious seemingly know-it-all student. But I am not a know-it-all, and at least I know that. But I am over eager. Because I don’t know where I am going, and that makes me anxious. I want my teacher, whoever they are, to give me the questions for the final now. Better yet, just give me that answers. Or fast forward and just post my grades.

Maybe the lesson here, though, is that I have to just sit back and let life happen. I have to stop trying so hard, and just let things fall as they will. I have to give in to being the student and let life teach me. Because after all… “there’s beauty in the breakdown,” right?